If you ever caught yourself saying “yes” when you really wanted to say “no,” or going out of your way to maintain harmony at your own cost, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a deeply embedded tendency for many of us, commonly disguised as helpfulness or kindness. But unnoticed by others, it can subtly undermine your well-being, relationships, and sense of self.
People-pleasing is more than niceness. It’s a habit of always prioritizing other people’s needs over your own, usually at the expense of your own energy, happiness, and authenticity. As Lauren Thomas, MA, states, “Many of us are exhausted because we carry too many physical, mental, and emotional burdens that we are not meant to carry.” This need to please can be caused by a need for approval, fear of rejection, or fear of conflict.
The origins of people-pleasing tend to go back to childhood. As explained by licensed marriage therapist Paige Bond, “If they were raised by caregivers who were not emotionally available, they probably tried to get validation from others or through their accomplishments to indicate their worthiness.” At other times, people-pleasing is learned as a survival strategy in settings where love or approval was conditional. At other times, it’s perpetuated by cultural norms that value selflessness and harmony above everything else.
But at what cost does this pattern come to us? Although people-pleasers are generally perceived as being agreeable and empathetic, the cost is real. People-pleasing on a chronic basis can create stress, anxiety, and even resentment. You may be left feeling drained, unseen, or irritated—particularly when your efforts are not recognized or are taken for granted. If this pattern continues over time, it can erode your self-esteem and leave you disconnected from your own desires and needs.
There is a powerful correlation between low self-esteem and people-pleasing. As Verywell Mind describes, “People with low self-esteem may have difficulty saying no and setting boundaries. They may prioritize other people’s needs over their own.” Without a good understanding of your own worth, it’s simple to think that your value lies in others’ happiness, or that your own needs are secondary. This can make it extremely challenging to establish healthy boundaries, creating a cycle of overcommitting and self-sacrifice.
Boundaries are not walls—They’re the lines that can’t be seen, yet safeguard your time, energy, and emotional health. As HelpGuide describes, “Boundaries aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they’re an important ingredient in healthy, balanced relationships. They’re also a crucial part of maintaining your identity, mental health, and physical well-being.” Without boundaries, relationships can become unbalanced, draining, or toxic.
It takes effort to break free from being a people-pleaser. It makes you feel uneasy, even fearful, to take the risk of disappointing others or to endure the accompanying guilt of saying “no.” But the payoff is great. When you begin to prioritize your own needs, you take back your time, your energy, and your sense of self. You also allow others to rise to the occasion, fix their own issues, and connect with you on a more genuine level.
So where do you begin? Self-awareness is step one. As Paige Bond explains, “The role of self-awareness is a vital element in breaking people-pleasing, which can be brought about by learning about themselves.”. Struggling people-pleasers can find encouragement by identifying their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and beliefs (instead of everyone else’s) as the first step to standing on their own.” This might mean journaling, talking with a therapist, or simply pausing to check in with yourself before agreeing to a request.
Next comes boundary-setting. This is a skill that takes practice, especially if you’re used to saying yes by default. Start small—maybe by declining a minor request or expressing a preference in a low-stakes situation. Over time, you’ll build confidence in your ability to advocate for yourself. Remember, as Lauren Thomas puts it, “Boundaries are a loving action. Your ‘yes’ and your time matter! It is kinder to provide the best of yourself to a person instead of stretching yourself so thin that you are not as useful as you would be.
Self-acceptance is the other essential ingredient. AFA Education says that “Self-respect is the foundation for all your relationships. People with a strong sense of self-worth are typically happier in their lives.” Learning to be kind to yourself, to recognize your strengths, and to release the compulsion to need others to tell you that you’re okay can make you feel more comfortable in your own skin—and less needy of approval from others.
Counseling or therapy can be a force to be reckoned with in this endeavor. As Paige Bond describes, “Therapy can help with providing a nonjudgmental and safer environment to delve into and work through tough memories, emotions, and circumstances related to people-pleasing. Counseling can also give the client a place to do role-play scenarios with a professional to work on assertiveness over time, to learn about other strategies in order to overcome people-pleasing.”
As you start to end the cycle, you might realize a change—not only in your own health, but in your relationships. When you are truly present, communicate clearly, and prioritize your own needs, you empower others to do the same. Relationships become more equal, strong, and true. And maybe most of all, you reclaim the freedom and joy that come from living in a way that honors your authentic self.
